Brava Mia

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2011-08-23T22:47:00.001-07:00

Running

2011-08-23T22:46:00.000-07:00

when i run, i run with no purpose but to just get through it. i know what it does and i know it's a good thing but that doesn't mean anything to me.

when i run, i look down at the ground. i don't look forward unless i absolutely have to. i find that looking forward causes me to think way ahead and i overwhelm easily and want to quit. if i look up, towards the sky, i give up right then and there. an automatic done. i give up to the heavens because that's where i'd rather be then then on the path running.

when i run, i follow my shadow ahead of me. the gray figure is my running companion. she runs with the beat as i do. she runs with more energy than i to. so i follow her.

when i run there are times i feel a bits of freedom, but it's a split second and then the feeling is gone and i'm back to following her. i run for those small triumph moments in the hope they will become minutes and hours.

when i run, i run with no purpose and it suits me

. for now.

Jump Back In

2011-07-31T04:41:00.000-07:00

4am
Good time as any to jump back in.
It's dark and quiet but I can't sleep
my body just won't relax.

My mind is restless again.
Where's the calm?

I'm back again

Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger.

Beef Teriyaki with Rice --a love-hate relationship

2010-11-30T23:32:00.000-08:00

Oh how I love beef teriyaki with rice. I, at times, crave it and at times indulge myself.

What I love about it:
I find that it is a nice combination of sweet and savory
It's half healthy if I abstain from fried rice and add steamed vegetables
and well I'm pretty sure where ever I get it, it will taste pretty much the same.
and bonus that the food cart lady was kinda funny

Now the reasons I hate (I know hate is a strong word but you will see it is warranted):
The smell lingers in on my clothes, car or where ever the little puffs of teriyaki steam landed upon.

And then,
The hours upon relentless hours of which I have to wait after lunch to floss my teeth.
Why you ask? Well, because my teeth like to capture teeny tiny bits of beef and stuff them way down in the tiniest of crevice between tooth and gum just to mock me!
Hours I tell you, where my tongue won't leave the spot where it believes the enemy lives. That means, I'm making the sucking noises, trying to use a post it as floss, going to the bathroom every 15 minutes to try and swish it out with water, but for what? No avail, that's what.

and it is not until 9pm at night when I can finally focus on my teeth that this minuscule detail gets addressed and then the professional dental tools come out...

So poo poo to teriyaki, I will just stick with the yaki soba.

Train Wreck

2010-09-19T07:45:00.000-07:00

A couple days ago I ventured to the shipyard side of Portland. The north Portland side that use to house all the steel mill type looking buildings and industrial type stuff. I thought I knew where I was going but made a right instead of a left and wound up here and a bit lost. It was about 8:30 on this particular fall night. It was dark and as I was puttering along trying to find my bearings, I could hear train whistles blowing in the distance as I ran into a detour. So I followed the detour and it led me behind these ominous looking buildings and towards dark steel looking contraptions. Well I think to myself "Could this be the right way?". I'm thinking this while stopped, looking to figure which way to go next. I look both ways about to cross this makeshift street (dirt/gravel type path) when I hear the train whistle again and now it's blaring. I pay no attention, mind you I know there are train tracks all around this area. I'm about to go when I realize I'm about 15ft away from some tracks and about to cross them in order to turn around. Then the whistle blows again.

Holy Cow!!! Here comes a Train!!!Literally, right in front of me. Sure its only going 10 miles per hour or so and it's just a couple of engines but still. I was seconds away from a train pushing my jeep along the tracks. I don't think I would have died, but you never know. How could I just have ignored a thousand decibel whistle? Where was my mind? (In the gutter I'm guessing.)

So instead of looking stupid, I just waved and smiled at the engineers, whom are so close I could probably have said hello and they would have heard, and pretend I saw them the whole time.

Moral of the story: there are warnings and we should tune them in, not out.

the meaning of things.

2010-08-02T22:40:00.000-07:00

There are certain things in life that are priceless to me. My family, my friends, my dog and then there are things that have a price but I'll have to say it would be ridiculously high, like my life, my freedom etc. etc. And then there are material things that can be bought, but have emotional value and so it's hard to part ways with them. My house, my boots, certain jewelery and apparently my motorcycle which is what I just learned about an hour ago.

My first motorcycle, which for the last year I have realized that it may actually be a small piece of junk, but non the less I love it. Truly love it. I love what it means to me. I love that I said I would and I did, I love that it's different and loud, I love that it just sits there and looks pretty. I love that it represents my freedom to be me and I love that my Kimberly fixed it up for me and always made sure I was safe on it.

So here in lies the problem. I absolutely have been meaning to sell it. Frankly as I mentioned before it's a small piece of junk. And I've been eyeing the greatest most beautiful bike online and I want to make it happen. But to make it happen I have to sell Little Lucy. So I posted her on Craigslist. A fair price I feel but I'm in no hurry to sell her so I wait. I get a couple calls here and there but really i don't care. I'm not in any rush. It is what it is and I'll wait. So I get a call from this man,and he's interested and we discuss. He low balls me the price and I say no, but then i have my eye on the prize and say ok. Kimberly goes and meets the guy (I can not officially ride the bike) and texts back that he wants to give less. I say no way. and I in fact text back "he's out, just bring back lucy, no to the original agreement"

Now people, is that wrong of me. He pissed me off. He doesn't deserve her. I would rather own a piece of junk that means the world to me to sell her to an undeserving man. Kimberly's mad??? It's my bike. Bottom line, I love what it means to me. Is that wrong?

String Cheese

2010-08-02T22:20:00.000-07:00

Earlier today, I went for a walk. A quick 15 minute walk to break up the work day. I grab two necessities before i left. A snack and toiletries. And so I walked. And about 5 minutes into the walk I was struck with the fact that I was carrying a mozzarella cheese stick and a tampon side by side in my pocket. Hmmm...odd and strangely comforting that the two seem to go so well.

I miss you

2010-06-18T15:00:00.000-07:00

Hey you, yes you. I miss you. Where have you been? Running around in some forest, lying around on some beach, singing your heart out? Well that's all fine and well, but I miss our friendship. I don't believe you asked me if it was okay to take a hiatus. Although, if you needed time away from me I would have left you alone. So now I'm just here, wondering and worrying about what I did. It's pride weekend and I will seek you out on the main stage and watch from afar and applaud. Hopefully you will see me and smile. A hug perhaps? Bottom line...I miss you.

Dinner, I have failed again.

2010-05-25T14:55:00.000-07:00

I had this grand idea of creating from scratch. It's my first day off in weeks and I thought I would try and make something wholesome for the family. So happy and excited me set off with ideas in my head to the kitchen for supplies. I decided upon Tomato Lentil Beef Soup. I was so proud about using the little lentils because I had had for quite some time (the lentils may have been close to their 1 year birthday sitting in our pantry) and last night I finally got the courage to use them. Unfortunately after chopping, pouring, seasoning and boiling I was left with a less than tasty soup that was not appealing to the eye.

And since I was creating a masterpiece of soup, then I was going to go above and beyond and create homemade bread. BAD IDEA. Not just any bread but gluten-free bread. Gasp inserted here) I know I know, what was I thinking? but apparently I wasn't because after about 3 hours of mixing and kneading and rising and baking, I was left with a hunk of loaf of bread that tasted down right pitiful. Not even butter could help.

So alas, I've done it again. I've reached a low point in my cooking abilities. And it happened all on one day. On the positive note, my daughter Ava said she was going to eat the soup and my counter part Kimberly said she loved the soup. She went back for thirds. (Although, I think she was trying to make me feel better. And if she was, then I love her that much more)

Cooking and Me are not speaking at the moment. I'm not sure when we will speak again. *sigh*

I'm not sure if it was the gluten free tasting

Thunder Thunder

2010-05-17T17:55:00.000-07:00

i'm waiting for the storm. the sun is out, nice slight breeze and i'm sitting at the park under a tree in the shade learning about digital photography. i heard storms were a possibility, so i wait. they are usually wrong. i don't want the perfectness of the day to end. i'm happy with right now but a nice distraction of the elements might spice things up. so even though the rain may get in the way, there is beauty and happiness in the small but tumultuous changes and i think it makes life interesting.

so rain rain come my way stay for awhile, then go away.

but rain, make sure you leave that wonderful afternoon thunderstorm with you so that you can linger a little while longer.

ps. the clouds are rolling in and i can feel in coming.

La La La

2010-04-20T16:48:00.000-07:00

I'm enjoying the trials and tribulations of just being. It can be quite challenging at times, but also random with moments of laughter, love, and (hmmm...what's another L word to make this alteration?) I'm seriously vowing to write more on here. I've huge spurts of urging to write, yet I've got nothing to show. I'm going to start soon and it will spill forth when it does. But for now, I'll just twiddle my thumbs and sing La La La until it happens. Until then I will just live.

Itching

2010-04-04T19:38:00.000-07:00

I've been itching to write lately, but I never seem to find a quite moment to put my thoughts down. I know, I know this is the post that is suppose to be a funny/happy post. So here goes my happiness.

It's Easter Sunday
Reeses Butter Cups, Oh Yeah!
I am happy now

Get it! I know you do.

seriously

2010-01-23T11:35:00.001-08:00

im sitting a my work desk and am a bit bored, so i'm blogging/journaling, and i start looking back at my older posts. and i realize, i was much funnier and thoughtful with my posts. does it seem like i'm just griping these days? yup, it does to me. so my next post excluding this one will be less gripe, more thoughtful with with a touch of flair. a haiku perhaps? we'll see. but seriously folks, this will get better. if not for you than me. i don't want to look back and not have comic relief between the dark moments in my life. i need laugh at myself in between the sobbing and pits in my stomach of what i was going though. so this is a vow, some deep and some uplifting. something with a little pizazz.

fighting

2010-01-23T11:19:00.001-08:00

i went to counseling the other day and learned the "right way" to fight. all good points and something i was suppose to practice, but come actual endeavor it became harder to execute. especially harder when the person you are "fighting" with forgets all the tips they learned as well. i can swallow my pride, which is why i got into an argument to begin with, and say i'm sorry. but how many times do you have to say sorry before the fight is over? then it's just stubbornness and that's not very zen like.

i am trying really hard, and i mean really hard, to have a peaceful heart and approach even the arguments with love, but that only goes so far when it's just you doing it. it's okay not to understand why we do the things we do and accept differences, but here's a little tid-bit about me...i get defensive if you don't ask out of good will or love. i get defensive when you judge and assume the worst from me. and frankly don't we all?

so to whom it concerns:

to each their own. allow each other to be who they are, because i bet 99% of the time, its not meant to ruin your life. (the 99% is a figure that would be representative of "normal" people, i'm guess the percentage goes down with many different factors, drugs, mental illness etc.)

i will continue to breathe and love and be nice and try to give of myself. i hope others are willing to do the same.

responsibility

2010-01-23T11:05:00.000-08:00

i've found that life is unpredictable. have you found that too? sometimes it goes where you want it too and sometimes it doesn't. sometimes it rains and that's okay and sometime it pours, which depending on the situation it sometimes can be bad sometimes and sometimes good. in the past month, i've experienced it all. bliss, love, calm all being the good and misunderstanding, frustrations, and hurt being the bad. when did being an adult become so complicated? when did responsibility become huge and blow up to be something that envelops me every hour of the day?

my mothers says i've changed and that she just wants her daughter back. what does that exactly mean? she says we use to have a great relationship and i agree we did. i never thought it would be different and neither did she. but guess what? i have grown up to be a full on adult and she wants me to stay somewhere in between. i had a little break though yesterday, i'm the way i am because i made my own choices and my responsibilities shape me.

so there you go...i can't be who my mother wants me to be or who i use to be. i was into the person i am now. i am sorry that it's not closer to what my mother or parents wanted, but i can live with knowing that i am doing the best i can. sometimes it will rain and sometimes it will pour. i just need to surround myself with people who can help hold me up when the clouds start rolling in.

Up

2009-12-18T03:23:00.001-08:00

"Go to sleep already" This is me talking to me and not taking my own advice. It's 3am and I'm Up. Lots on my mind. All tricky subjects and all close to my heart. Maybe I'll sleep on it.

everyday

2009-12-10T16:29:00.000-08:00

They have two children, a home, jobs; lives together filled with energy and love. I watch them interact and it’s peaceful. Yes there are busy. Life is crazy, time is limited but when they are together they can do anything and be satisfied. They sit, breathe, and watch their life go by or they run, hardly breathing doing what their life dictates they do. But either way, there is calm to it all. They are home. Differences, of course but more alike than not and that brought their hearts together.

I am grateful!

2009-11-27T12:17:00.000-08:00

Though the world seems rather unsettling right now and I'm not sure where I will be in the coming months and what new surprises I will encounter, I am grateful for now. Perhaps it's because this week of Thankgiving that is making me think, perhaps its all the new decisions that are coming my way, or maybe it's just the quiet times where I look around and take it all in. Whatever it is, I'm grateful for what matters most, my family and my friends. Some may find me a bit cheesy, but I'm in love with life. I'm trying to let go of the material and be present with what I have, a home filled with love, friends who are within my fingertips reach, and a secure job, although not always perfect, it allows me to be surrounded with new experiences and supports my life.

I was overwhelmed last night and cried like I haven't cried in probably almost a year but I felt such a relief. My world has changed dramatically and it's amazing and overwhelming in so many ways but I'm grateful for where I am.

A mother came in this morning to the library asking for books about mothers and daughters and the emotions of cancer. My heart sank. Luckily my coworker took the question and offered to help. I again was overwhelmed and tears began to well up in the corners of my eyes. She is strong and although I hate saying it but I'm grateful that I'm not a mother dealing with this. Cancer is too close to everyone these days and I am grateful that right now at least, it's keeping it's distance.

Life is moving forward and I'm grateful that I'm moving with it and not stuck. I'm happy because I'm loved and I love others.

overwhelmed

2009-10-29T23:13:00.000-07:00

there are times in life, that just plain suck for no reason. I'm having one of those moments now. I can't explain why, but to try to explain here might relieve some of the angst, mine at least. I hate these moments, they are not because I want them, but because my hormones dictate them and they just are. Fuck. I hate this feeling, right now. It brings me such sorrow and not to mention how it hurts others. I haven't had these moments in a hell of a long time. They have been there in the past but they haven't been this powerful for awhile. I don't know why. I'm guessing it has to do with shifting of estrogen in my home and the imbalance of girl emotion. I hate this feeling of helplessness. Am I sounding irrational? well, it's because I am. I need to shut my mouth but I don't and so much crap comes out of it.

Seriously, the feelings of wanting someone so bad, but all you can do it push them away. I'm overwhelmed. By love, by responsibility, by emotions, life and it all rushes together and all I want is to feel close to the person I love, but it comes out all wrong. I'm forceful in all the wrong ways. And in my head I know that I can stop it, but surges, like waves, come and go and so does the strong feelings. I try and breathe, I know I need to cry. In fact I start to cry but I can't get it all of me. It stays in and until I let it go I'm not going to be okay. I know this will pass because it always does.

The more I push you away, the more I want you to hold on to e. I feel like you owe it to me because I give you all of me the rest of the time. Please just do this for me, this one holding on.

maybe this tidbit should be more properly titled "the adventures of PMS"

She Held Her

2009-10-09T16:29:00.000-07:00

She held her...Damp skin rests upon damp skin. She drifts off with the soft beats of her heart and remains aware with the rising and falling of her chest. Waves of calm sweep over her as the closeness settles them. The cold fall air causes a shifting of intertwining bodies. Again, the sensation of peace and calm envelops them. They rest in cool white sheets, their bodies creating the perfect warmth. The softness of stroking and shiver of breath on her neck affirms their feelings. Love. She had never experienced a night so full of connection, connection in which every one of those perfect moments come together to create one voluminous occurrence of emotions. She could live the rest of her life right where she was, their passions feeding them and their connected souls their respite. She held her and she was happy.

lucky girl

2009-10-09T15:33:00.000-07:00

I've always been aware of the spirits around me. I don't necessarily see them, but I'm well aware that they linger in the air. They linger like a soft musty scent, that of a cold basement, or of old yellowed book pages or that of long forgotten clothing being pulled out from ages past. When I enter into a new dwelling, the hints of the spirits gingerly make their way towards me. There's a distinct heaviness in the air that assures me that they are there with me. I silently acknowledge them and move on.

I entered her home on that Sunday morning and inhaled her presence. All of her life long possessions were displayed on open tables for the public to peruse. I quickly scanned the vast treasures and knew I would find what I had been looking for. A piece of someones cherished past to bring with me and rebirth into a new life. As I moved observantly in and out of the run down rooms my eyes were drawn to the stair case at the back of the house and I immediately ascended. There in the middle of a dim attic space was a box. In the plain brown box were old tattered curtains. Yes, this is what I knew I would find. I began to sift through and pull out patterned curtains from years past, ruffled yellowed ones, floral ones for a kitchen, pink ones for what might have been a child's room, tasseled ones for a more formal look and then white striped ones which were perfect for my room.

They seemed the right size, in relatively good shape, no snags or tears and I happened to have found two matching ones. I mumbled to myself, I'd like two more. So I continue to rummage pull out all types and there in the bottom of the box, a box that could have house a home appliance, was a third sheer. Hmmm...I thought, three, three is good, but four is better and really who would just have three. After the careful separation of everything in the box and minutes of digging in a waist deep box, a fourth was not to be found. I debated the three and in the end decided to give up and go with only two. Three seemed odd and didn't make sense. So I, unthinking, return everything I had taken out back in the box for the next person to rummage through. I throw in the last curtain, a green leafed professionaly made piece and and from it with a soft swish floats down the fourth white striped sheer.

There it is on the floor, a perfectly folded rectangle, waiting for me. I stand there and stare at it, pick it up, rightfully place it with it's family and smile. As I descend the stairs to pay for my new treasures, I quietly thank her under my breath and think, "I'm a lucky girl".

Milepost Girl

2009-09-17T21:50:00.000-07:00

The drive is long
around the corner the milepost appears
not much longer now before i reach her
one last tired stretch to arrive
soon i will be there
the darknesss behind me
in the distance i become aware
of my milepost girl
and i can finally slow down

never guessed

2009-08-30T14:14:00.001-07:00

never guessed it got this good
wondered if it ever would
really didn't think it could
do it some more?
I know we should!

the dilemma

2009-08-30T13:30:00.000-07:00

will she or wont she, really. I think she needs to calm way down. how much is too much? how many is too many. but it's her one real splurge, the boot thing. once or twice a year, maybe three times a year there are new additions to the boot collection. sometimes from spain, mostly from italy but this last time from the good ol' us of a, and now possibly usa again and again. that's right folks, she contemplating keeping two pairs of boots!! the insanity of it boggles her mind, but with both lovelies in her hot little hands she having a difficult time trying to decide. does she really need to give one of them up. the money you say, sure sure i understand, but come on...it's only twice a year. so the dilemma rages on.
the leather is like butter, the style is so me, the craftmanship...an on and on she goes trying to justify the purshasing of two rather expensive boots.

inked

2009-08-30T13:05:00.000-07:00

some of the words i would like incorporated into my tattoo.
maybe, maybe not.

memory
fear
strength
possibility
hurt
love
loss
balance
desire
trust
silence
her

haiku thought

2009-08-20T16:41:00.000-07:00

I like to use the word now quite a bit. What an interesting observation.

I should try a haiku without one.

I'm green with envy
I'm red with flames of anger
and I'm blue for you

because they keep coming

2009-08-20T16:40:00.000-07:00

my love you hurt me
my smile is gone today
leave me be for now

2nd emotional haiku

2009-08-20T16:35:00.000-07:00

under pressure, sucks
I'm reaching my boiling point
simmering for now

emotional haiku

2009-08-20T16:32:00.000-07:00

rather sad right now
need to clear my head and heart
yes, this too shall pass

alright, alright

2009-08-12T01:51:00.001-07:00

so i think i'm out of my sleepless funk. yes, it's only 15 minutes after the last entry where it was sort of doom and gloom, but guess what? Hormones are involved and they reserve the right to change without notice, and they did. so i'm a "glass is half full" kind of girl right now or at least until further notice.

I don't have any good stories to write or interesting musings of my day, no comical happenings at work, or explosive road rage stories. my grocery trip was pretty standard. my kids were pretty mellow and not very raucous...no wait, the whole reason i'm up right now is because my son came down and woke me up due to "a bug in my bed". Now that is not funny in itself. I would never wish " a bug in a bed" to anyone and especially to a child and my child even less, but come on it's dark. Exactly what kind of bug are we looking for? He just pointed to the bed with a little squeak and said "bug". Now, what am I to do then believe the kid (really, i didn't) and do a bug sweep, tuck him back in and say "no bug here, you must have woke him up, but now he's asleep. so it's your turn" Maybe not the most reassuring words, but hey, it's 1am and that' s all i could come up with at this hour.

well, i'm off to bed now with a much better attitude for sleep. goodnight.

Here comes the rain....little darling.

2009-08-12T01:23:00.000-07:00

Somewhere after the 1am hour. I'm sleepless. I was asleep, but now I'm not. So I'm sleepless. Why? I know why, but I don't care to blog about it right now. So I"m going to write about anything that comes to mind but the actual why. The actual why, is not that bad, it's just that I guess I'm hormonal which just exacerbates the actual why. Does that make sense? So I was somewhat asleep, in my pj's and all, but just laying there. Realizing what was not going on, and I sort of panicked. So now I'm sitting in the dark, against the cold unforgiving wall with chicken skin, because I don't want to close the windows and I'm writing to you fine people.

The rain came tonight and although it's one of my most favorite things in the world, I just don't want it today. We don't get that much sun as it is and for it to rob a day of my summer kind of bums me out. In fact, the threat of rain for the last three days plus the actual rain today irritates me. Now, I'm a happy-go-lucky kinda of girl, so I get the wonderful things about the rain today. How it cools the earth, we need it to drink, the plants are happy, and the sun whiners are quiet for a bit, but for me...well, my mood is taking a turn for the wrong side and the rain isn't helping.

There is nothing I'd rather be doing then snuggled up in the fluffy white bed wrapped in her arms listening to the drops and breathing the damp air, but no, uncertainty has reared it's ugly head and made me melancholy. Unsupported fears and worries, yes, but none the less they are here tonight and I am sleepless. I'm gonna give sleep another try and hope that it takes but who knows what will happen in my white fluffy bed. Here comes the rain...little darling.

How happy are you?

2009-08-06T15:08:00.000-07:00

Well, life is of course moving along a little faster than I would have expected. All in all I'm so very happy. You know the happy that is joy and love wrapped all in one? Well, if not picture Buddha. I'm that happy right now. You could rub my belly and something good would have to come of it. Cuz I'm Buddha happy.

Now, that doesn't mean that when left to my own devices little worries and thought provoking questions don't creep into my brain. Yes, they do and I try my best not to pay too much attention to them. But there are times that I will be driving along and one of those thoughts comes into my head and I begin to bite my lip because it starts to quiver. Then the quiver moves down into my throat and I begin to choke up. And the choking up sensation in my throat causes my eyes to tear up ever so slightly and when I feel the tears begin to drip, drip, drip down my face and I realize that I'm somewhat crying, I slowly begin to panic and have to pull over which makes me sort of sob.

So the sobbing doesn't happen because of the worries of course,but more of a reaction to my reactions. Right? Just say yes.

I'm glad of the decisions I've made and where my life is going, but sometimes I get a glimpse of what my life could have been and I wonder, just wonder about it for a bit.

But then I get a glimpse of what my life is becoming, and although it is coming at me fast and sort of a blur right now, I still achingly want it. It's what I've wanted for so long and I am enjoying it, even with all the quirks that I'm having to learn about and adjust too.

As long as I have my friends and family around, my life will always return to Buddha happy!!

Going, going, going,...gone?

2009-07-05T13:16:00.000-07:00

How does it all happen so quickly? How does life change in an instant? I suppose because our lives are truly rather short in the grand scheme of things that our lives must change in a blink of an eye so that we can actually live.

A wonderful friend of mine made me a CD with uplifting motivational music that I have fallen quite in love with. And one song is about a woman and how her life was crappy in the past, but if you look at her now she is so happy. And this is exactly how I feel at this very moment in my life. Everything was so hard in the past and it had been so hard for a long time, and now it's hard but in a completely different way. Now I don't mind the everyday challenges, because I'M HAPPY!!! The challenges are mine and what I want to accomplish with my life.

The going going going gone thing is all about love. Falling in love, which I'm doing. Slowly slowly it goes but absolutely fantastic. My girl fits me on so many levels. And I'm so appreciative of her and the way she expresses herself. I love that I don't care about anything about her except her heart. Her heart is sooo sooo kind and gentle and loving and it fits my heart. Like one of those little necklace charms where I have one half of a broken heart and she has the other. We fit.

I can only wish my feelings to everyone else so that they feel the same way about someone. The saying "it's better to have love and lost then to have never loved at all" makes such sense. I'm loving and truly hope that I never lose her, but if I do for some reason, I'll remember this feeling right here right now and smile.

Updating my Life

2009-06-19T11:08:00.001-07:00

There has been a major shift in my life in the last few weeks, so much that it has been overwhelming. And although it feels like a rush of emotions, it's nothing like the emotions I have felt in the past few years. The repression, fear, sadness, frustration and stress are almost non-existent. In its place are now, excitement, anticipation, learning, hope and best of all love. I have love for myself, love for my dear friends who have seen me through these times, love for my children whom I can now see fully, and love for the newness of my life and the new adventures in it. Yes, there is someone new in my life that means very much to me, but I am still learning and figuring out what I need and hopefully this wonderful woman will be there along side me doing the same. Time and patience is all I can ask for right now and it's truly what I need.

So I wonder what this new life will look like and feel like. I don't want my relationships with my beautiful friends to change as they each have given me soooo much and have been my survival. So I hope I can honor them in new ways and keep them close because they allow me to breathe.

It's good to be where I am right now, I wouldn't want it any other way. I am where I have always needed to be and it's such a relief.

blush blush blush

2009-06-05T15:07:00.000-07:00

The most powerful feeling I know is when you look intensely into someones eyes and you can see their innate goodness. Everything good wrapped up and projected through their eyes, just illuminating and shining. I'm absolutely scared about what is happening, I shake, I pray, I smile, I lust, I blush. How did this happen?

Today at work, I received a huge arrangement of flowers. Roses, babies breath, and lillies. I have never felt so loved. and I when I opened the card it said " smile your loved" and I smiled because I knew it was true.

well, well, well...

2009-05-30T14:32:00.000-07:00

A series of fortunate or unfortunate events has occurred in my life and I'm still reeling from the fast pace at which it all came at me. At this time, I have (not in any particular order) a semi-ex husband moving out, a very sweet semi-girlfriend wanting the possibility to move in after a years time, a 23 year flirting with me via email, waiting, a very lovely 31 year old that is very cool, but I'm just not into and have really have to let her know, a boi that is on my brain, but not even close to my heart...hmmm. yep I think that's it. No more, I say, no more!! Can't I just sit and be at peace? Do people create their own drama, yes I suppose they do. Did I mean too, no I suppose I didn't, but it's here and I'm slowly going around undoing and smoothing things over.

I think the thing with the 23 year old will be fine and we can be friends.

I think the thing with the ex-husband will be a bit emotional but really rather uneventful but again fine since we are friends.

I think the thing with the love 31 year old, could suck but maybe we can still be friends.

I think the thing with Hunter is drawing to a close.

I think the thing with Superstar Kim, is here to stay at least for awhile and I'm good with that today, if she is.

Slowly slowly went the sloth and I'm right there with it.

Arg...what am i learning

2009-05-23T17:14:00.000-07:00

Life must throw you things for a reason, right? Everything is a learning experience. And I'm trying really hard to think positively and realize life is sometimes complicated and it's ok. I meditated today and my mind was really busy, usually i can stop it and just focus on what needs focusing, but right now its a bit noisy in there. What is it that I need to be doing? Where is it that I need to be going? Why all of a sudden this boom? Where are my priorities? I've always been about calm and focus but holy cow, if I'm not feeling a little restless right now.

My dear friends, take heart in that I want things to settle down. I want serene in what I know and newness may not be what I can handle. If this is going to be a learning experience, then woohoo!, I'm ready. My motto: as long as you look good...no, no the other one. Right, Learn and Live simply. Yes, that will do for now. I need to take it all in and learn and grow. Breathe it in and let my mind rest.

April 1st

2009-05-21T00:57:00.000-07:00

I wore the shirt because it was soft, not to be symbolic. We sat on the steps and saw the view until chicken skin set in. We dribbled our balls down the winding path dodging the skaters. Looked in the trunk and pleasantly surprised at what I saw. Frisbees were thrown. Happy with coke and hummus. The talking, the walking, the learning was perfect. I look forward to more.

There are signs everywhere

2009-05-16T01:15:00.000-07:00

Tonight started out strange and ended strange with a varied level of emotions. I don't know why or where this is all going. I was with people that I know and like but I was so out of place and the signs were everywhere. From the girls kissing and blocking my shot to the girls next to me asking to borrow my triangle to rack their balls. It was all so very obvious, the colors, the songs and the just the sheer emotion of where I was at that moment feeling so wrong, but still feeling.

The actual choices, the touching, the smiles and the tears were all real, but I couldn't help to notice the signs and wondering what I am doing waiting and hoping. Am I just looking too hard and seeing what I think I want? Or am I actually seeing the world around me respond to what I need or feel? I'm not sure. But I want to know, how will it end?

What's the Difference?

2009-05-12T18:11:00.000-07:00

Seriously, what's the difference in a few years? What's three, five or 7 years in the grand scheme of things? You would think it all evens out. One of you has been there before and can probably be of some assistance to the other and the other can be a breath of fresh air. Commonalities are numerous, conversations are interesting, everything seems on the up and up. Then you meet. Nothing too major, all is comfortable and actually pleasant. Do you want to know more, sure you do, but then the age difference hits you. How do people do it? How do people date up or date down in big increments?

So the difference is in the maturity level, what one finds appropriate and what one finds funny. And sure you don't have to be the same age to be able to "get" that, but their seems to be a mutual respect in the "I'm where you are or pretty close". When there is a 7 year difference, that appreciation is not there, really for either of you.

So in conclusion my friends. A 23 year old, although cute and fun...maybe just that, in the grand scheme of things, cute and fun. Now I'm not ruling out meaningful relationships with the younger folks but for the most part I think the young 20's are just learning who they are and what they want. So, I will enjoy it for what it is and have fun with the 23 year old. At least she makes me laugh!

Love and Truth

2009-05-07T23:00:00.000-07:00

Love and Truth are the two ways that lead the soul out of the inner jungle. Love offers an answer to the question of how to live. In Truth we find an answer to the question of how to think. It is impossible to find truth without warmhearted love and it is impossible to experience love without being truthful, without living Truth.

my disapointment

2009-05-05T00:18:00.000-07:00

There are certain things about myself that I have issues with. I'm fully aware of my issues but I'm still not sure that they are fixable. Oh, I'm working with the therapist and I talk to myself about them all the time and tell myself how irrational I am, but still they persist. At the most inoportune times they rear their ugly head.

Today I am struggling with being a disappointment to others. I hate the feeling that I can't do something that was asked of me, or that I just don't want to do it, but don't know how to vocalize that, or that people expect me to be a certain way and I'm not.

So my fear of disappointment stops me from doing simple tasks at times and I am consumed with the back and forth of "should I ?" or "how will I?"

Anyway, it alls in my head and stems from childhood, of course. I'm just done with that feeling and want to learn how to just breathe through it. Hmmm...I'll work on it.

boxer raleigh

2009-05-02T17:45:00.000-07:00

i did it. i didn't think i would, but as luck would have it i got a new boxer dog. and i like her. it's not that i didn't like the other dogs that have come into my home, but they just weren't quite right. but this one, Raleigh, feels right. just like nigel did. yes she's big and slobers and sheds, but she also cuddles, has soulful eyes, loves the outdoors and pees outside. all wonderful traits. she gets along with nigel and the kids which is really what matters. so i've got me a new kid to add to my already busy but happy life. she just seems like a big baby and i like that.

the specials of life

2009-04-28T19:07:00.000-07:00

sometimes i see things that irk me quite a bit while working in the library. it's not the crazies or the mischievous teens or the computer hogs, frankly they are a dime and dozen and don't bother me except but for a split second. But what does get me every time are the little ones that are so ignored and so mistreated. from what i can see, they are the most special of children. why have these families been blessed with these sweet children, who want nothing more than to please but can't ever seem too?

here i am at the reference desk just watching the most well behaved 3 or 4 year old sit and draw while her sister (or god forbid teen mother) sits and reads people magazine. anytime she coughs (and she has what appears to be a cough) or wiggles out of boredom from drawing the same squiggles over and over her sister hisses and threatens. and this child just stops. they have been in the library for over two hours and this special child has not made a peep. she has watched her sister/mom myspace for an hour straight, read popular teen magazines and "hang out". and not a peep. the sister/mom ignores, threatens and makes faces at any little movement. she has nothing to do but watch, no books and she ran out of room long ago on her 8X11 no longer blank sheet of paper.

i'm about to print out some coloring pictures for her and give her some crayons when her sister/mom's time is up on the internet and it's time to go. but first she wants to use the phone to call for a ride. all while this sweet special child watches and waits.

why is it that this is the way it always has to be. i've seen it time and time again. it's heartbreaking. so i smile at the little one and play peekaboo with her to get a smile from her while her sister/mom is on the phone. and quietly i whisper to the little one..."your are so wonderful" and tell her sister/mom the same.

Authority Control

2009-04-24T23:20:00.000-07:00

In terms of the library and school I'm still trying to figure this out, but in terms of life I really don't want this sort of thing. Is equality an actual possibility? Or in the world of relationships will there always be a "top" and "bottom" or "the guy" and "the girl" roles to be played? Can't it be a constant back and forth of confidence and humbleness that happens naturally? It's hard when you want something or someone so bad that you just stand back and do and say what you need to just to keep or start a relationship. If there are two of you in the relationship then it's not just you who decides when and where...it's the other person who counter balances and said yes or no and how come. How come? because you re worth a whole hell of a lot and not any more or less then the other person in the relationship. It's nice when there is equality and if not, the openness to figure it out. I like that sort of relationship--relaxed, communicative, and honest. It doesn't hurt if we could laugh together and at each other. It's all a balance which is the opposite of authority control.

wait

2009-04-14T17:51:00.000-07:00

wait for the dawn my dear
wait for the sun to get here
wait 'til the sun shines through
wait 'til the sky is blue
you will wait to long
and she will be gone

wait 'til the signs are right
wait for the perfect time
'til you doubt no more
'til you know for sure
you will wait to long
she will be gone

synonyms

2009-04-12T22:19:00.000-07:00

not bitter but privileged
not independent but autonomous
not proactive but manifestation

It doesn't seem like a huge difference, but to some, the words must mean quite a lot.

Sermon

2009-04-06T13:44:00.000-07:00

I didn't go to church yesterday, but lord if I didn't get a soul searching sermon anyway.

She spoke from a pulpit and poured her heart out and in that pouring of emotion I caught droplets and let them ooze through my body into my soul through osmosis.

Learning that our life is not always ours and that we never owned our own future. We think we may own it or have leased a good number of years of it, but we don't. It has never been ours and we need to get comfortable with the idea.

Learning that your religion is not the building you step into or the affiliation you wear around your neck on chain but it's the life you lead and the congregation is the friends you surround yourself with. It's how you choose to be in love with those in your congregation. Not just love, but be in love with. Give them your heart and your soul in any capacity that you have because it's them that will do the same when your soul needs nurturing and loving. Put into the world what you want back and do it now not in the future which is one that we don't own.

Learning that although those you are in love with are not perfect but neither are you and if their is truly love, then those things don't matter. If they were trying to be funny and hurt you, if they didn't do what they said they would, if they weren't where they said they'd be if the only call every once in awhile, if they meek, or have tempers....love them anyway because we all have something.

Once saying of the sermon stuck with me..."Surrender to the imperfect family" I will keep this beautiful idea with me always. She makes such an exquisite point and it makes me happy. I will remind myself many times over of this, because I want others to surrender for me as well. I have so much love to give but sometimes can fuck up and it's not intentional.

I could use one of these sermons every week at my church because this is what true religion is all about. This is what God is about...loving and learning. I give thanks to the church of Val for her marvelous words and moving insight. I wish her always love, happiness and health.

Nice

2009-04-06T13:30:00.000-07:00

It wasn't the weather or new city and it wasn't because I was away from the norm. No it was because it was so nice being with someone you feel completely at ease with. It was so easy. I don't know the last time I had that. Comfort in friendship. It was the closeness and the just being. It was the philosophical conversations, it was the sitting and watching, it was the world moving while we watched. It was the tomato soup and the singing of songs as well as the meeting of new people and the responsibility of a late night. It was the good decisions and the complete exhaustion. It was the holding on and being ok with whatever happened. It was being in the exact same place at the same time. It was the simplicity of it all and the calmness of our friendship. It was exactly what it needed to be. It was just so nice.

I'm staying late

2009-03-30T17:02:00.000-07:00

I'm staying late because I'm captivated. I have to finish reading it now. I'm so drawn to the writing and I won't stop. It's not just the writing but the people in it. I know where the places are, I can feel the emotions running through and just want to hold them. I am just learning about this person and am so intrigued. Why am I so intrigued? Is it the similarities I see? Is it the craziness, the unsteadiness of the life I'm reading about, so opposite of mine but still very much mirrored. I'm not sure, but I'm staying late to find out.

sitting

2009-03-23T16:26:00.001-07:00

today, I took some time for myself. sure I should have been working but instead I put on my coat and through my hood over my head and walked through the cold wet wind to the corner coffee shop. I sat at the old wooden bar and drank terribly hot tea. I sat and I waited as the chamomile blend delightfully calmed me right down. I figured if i waited long enough i'd see the world go by through the clear expansive window in front of me. and i figured if i concentrated hard enough i might see someone I knew go by. and I figured if I just willed it so, I would see the person I most wanted to see go by. I wanted to see the color red. the color which means to me pure emotion, and anticipation and excitement. but it just took a moment for me to realize that I was just happy being there and didn't need to see anybody. I liked being alone for those short introspective moments. and I liked to watch the world go by and not know who these mysterious individuals were in each passing car. the quiet and the mystery make life interesting. and sitting is just nice.

just life

2009-03-19T12:51:00.000-07:00

i'm inspired, sad, freaked and wrecked but it is cruel and wicked. why does it have to be this way? yes i know, bad new never has good timing and there probably is some sort of silver lining but my heart hurts. i'm not so scared as much as i feel a deep loyalty and am more drawn to the situation. what have i gotten myself into? i want to nurture and be the one to take care of and find true happiness even if its only for a short while. all i can do is wait and live my life loving everyone in it and implore to the world and all it's energy to heal what needs healing and to let go what needs to be let go.

Addictions

2009-03-17T13:52:00.000-07:00

I'm putting a short list together of things I can't live without or a addicted to rather. I feel that if I can face them and see them on written down then it might be easier to break the habit. Right? the first thing to on the road to recovery is acceptance? So here goes:

1. Peanut Butter ( I have a spoon of it in my mouth right now as I type)
2. Music (I wake up to it, I fall asleep to it, and I want it all the time)
3. Salt (the oldest addiction I have. It needs to stop)
4. Floss (I don't know if I can stop this one, but it's a killer as far as my time management goes)
5. Dogs (I think it's self explanatory but just in case...I want another and I can't stop thinking about them)

Now that wasn't so hard. I just have to take baby steps.

2009-03-15T08:36:00.000-07:00

be my friend always
simple is all i want, need
wrapped up close to you

Days Like These

2009-03-15T08:30:00.000-07:00

This is absolutely one of my favorite kinds of days. I could relive this morning over and over and be so happy. Waking up warm wrapped in a down comforter and listening to the tapping of rain hit my window. Opening the blinds and seeing and hearing the wind whoosh the trees and bushes. The vast grayness is blissful. The rain droplets cascading down onto the already drenched earth. There is a comfort in that it was like this all night. All I want to do is sit in bed, drink tea and read the newspaper. What an absolutely perfect Sunday.

our conversation

2009-03-12T04:25:00.000-07:00

my internal clock woke me. yep, 3 am. whats on my mind? sleep. go back to it then. i'll still be around in the morning. you can think about me some more then. now sleep.
but my eyes aren't heavy. and the stillness calms me. what's on your mind? simplicity. love. devotion. friendship. balance. hmmm...sounds lovely. it all is. but its keeping me up. really? why analyze what you don't know? what else am i suppose to think about then, if it's not what is to come? think of the now. try. i am. but i keep drifting. how do i stay right here? leave the future to your dreaming. if you want what is to come, then sleep. it will get you there in more than one way. but i want to be up, doing and being. staying in the now. you can't be doing and being when you are tired. now please, sleep. lay your head on the cool pillow. close your eyes. quiet your mind. and rest. sleep will follow and so will your dreams. does the clock say 4am, yep. maybe i'll take a moonlit walk. no. look one last time at the moon and drift off to sleep with the beautiful image. goodnight my beautiful friend. goodnight. and thank you.

just asking

2009-03-12T04:19:00.000-07:00

I am craving some
pho and good conversation
plans for lunch next week?

tonight

2009-03-12T04:13:00.000-07:00

The moon is so full
illumination fills me
I now see clearly

Gladiolas

2009-03-09T20:55:00.000-07:00

tall striking stalks, boisterous colored limbs,

spiking and bobbing along with the crowds.

a contrast to the sullen masses, dragging their feet,

only being pushed by grief and disbelief.

the death parade marches through the cinder block city

up the dusty hillside, cactus pulling at drab clothing and skin.

tears being the only water in sight on this scorching day.

that gates wait open for the newest arrival

the dry dust blows up under the weight of the mourners

take a deep breathe

while you still can

the smell of gladiolas is pervasive

and in my life the two were intertwined

death and gladiolas

the regal flowers will always symbolize the loss of a precious life

only death, and never beauty

to a girl

in the small town, up in the mountains of Mexico

Do One Thing Every Day That Scares You --Eleanor Roosevelt

2009-03-07T04:30:00.000-08:00

Every Girl Every Boy

2009-03-07T04:03:00.001-08:00

a lull

2009-03-07T03:28:00.000-08:00

It's all very quiet on my side of life. My beloved job is ending but a new one will begin soon enough. School is winding down for the quarter but will start back again with a vengeance soon enough. My kiddos are growing and peaceful but full of energy and awaiting more sunny days. I am in the groove of my daily life and not vacillating too much in any one direction. My creativity is hovering around waiting for the time and the spark to make an appearance. I'm not unhappy but grateful for this calm time. My soul is recuperating and building strength for whatever is to come next. I'm looking forward to adventure and high emotion, but for now this lull is nice.

The Water Closet

2009-03-03T09:37:00.000-08:00

I, like so many, have an aversion to public bathrooms. I know that they can and are in an emergency a necessity, but I still don't like the idea of doing "my business" where so many have gone before me. And who's to say what the hygienic quality of the these fore-fathers of the toilet has been. Are they oober clean like me and feel that baby wipes are not just for babies or are they haphazard wipers who don't pay attention to details? And though I'm all about being green and saving trees, double wiping and at times triple wiping is the only way to go. I'm sure you all have been there. So where is this all coming from? Why the potty talk?

Well, I have had a few new observations that have peaked my interest in the bodily function department. At work one is forced to use the public bathrooms. It's inevitable. You spend 8 hours a day in an office building (or various other types of structures) hydrating yourself with a myriad of beverages and eventually you gotta go. Pee is a part of life and frankly I feel that I have embraced that part of me and accepted it with open arms. And I accept others who have to go through the same thing that I have in the number 1 department day in and day out. It's part of this game we are all playing called life...but it's the number 2 that frustrates me.
We all do it, but it doesn't mean we have to like it. It's so hush hush. Oh the games we play when it comes to our bowel movements is frankly ridiculous.

Here's the ones that bothers me and that have happened in the last week.

1. The Look Out ---"D, hang out in front of the door and stall anyone who is going to come in, knock on the door or something"
dutifully I did. Yes, I acted a fool.

2. The Cover Up --Whoever went in front of me spayed the hell out of the Orange-citrus air cleaner thing that is supposedly all natural, but none the less almost caused me to pass out with the lack of air as I'm trying to use the facilities.
Really people, it's a spritz, not a minute of holding down the thing.

3. Mightier Then Thou--When the higher up execs are too good to use the "communal" employee bathrooms and choose the single separate private one, even though they are literally next door to each other.
You think your shit don't stink? Well guess what it does! So Be a team player and walk in our shoes.

Okay, I think I'm done with the potty talk. Just a few ramblings that I've felt strongly about for some time. For all of you out there trying to make it work...I respect you. It's the crazies out there that need to shit or get off the pot.

dreams can mess with you

2009-02-25T23:16:00.000-08:00

I think I'm one of the only people I know who can remember their dreams day in and day out. Most of my dreams are vivid and quite memorable. They are usually emotional. I can't stop them from happening. They are just part of the cycles of my sleep. There can be as many as three or just the one that I remember.

Last night: I went to sleep calm and for the most part happy. The slumber was welcomed and anticipated, when "BAM" I wake up in a frenzied state. I am annoyed and upset. So I start thinking of what it was that just went on.

The first thing I can remember is I open this door to a guest bedroom in my house. It's bright and I can't quite see and I wait and adjust my eyes, and when they do, I see the girl I like and a girl I hate, together. I can't tell what they are doing because their backs are to me, but when I speak the girl I like, rushes under the covers and seems to be getting dressed. And all I say is "Really? Oh come On." I'm devastated I suppose, so I turn and run into what seems to be a mall department store and which point I end up getting lost in various odd departments. All while the girl I like is trying to find me to explain what went on.

I guess I didn't want to hear it because I'm running up and down escalators and through clothes aisles and this is when I wake up.

Odd, I know. But I don't know what to make of it. Maybe I'll start blogging all my crazy head thoughts.

gender queer

2009-02-24T17:55:00.000-08:00

She's a he, he's she
He is just beautiful
I can accept it

Here's to taking chances...

2009-02-23T22:48:00.000-08:00

Life plays itself out in funny ways and seems to present interesting situations all the time. We have a choice, either to sit still or shake things up... and if we just sit still then stillness is what you are going to get. So here's to not sitting still and shaking up my life. I've sit still too long. It will be fun.

Two Timer

2009-02-20T16:03:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here in my coffee shop and for the past hour or so watching this long haired, very Portland looking, bearded late 20-something guy with what seemed to be his girlfriend studying together and enjoying coffee drinks. The girlfriend is quite attractive, I would even say beautiful, with long brown curly hair, pretty tall and thin with a good sense of style.

They close up their books and act like they are leaving. She hugs him and kisses him, quite passionately, and then is off. (It was hard not to watch this couple make out in front of me.)He stays, shifts his place at the table and quickly gets on his cell phone.

15 minutes later an even hotter curly haired brunette chick walks in wearing a plaid fedora hat, a short ripped mini skirt and woolen Peruvian type socks with alpacas on them and makes a b-line for the same guy and rubs his shoulders and proceeds to sit down next to him and watches him intently.

Now they are doing the exact thing he was doing with the other girl. Now if I was paying close attention, then I might think same girl in different clothes, but because I am so observant and like looking at attractive women, I noticed the difference. Mainly one girl is like 5'4 and the other is like 5'10. So I may be jumping to conclusions but this guy seems to be two timing it with two very similar looking chicas. Hmmm...he's not all that. I must be missing something.

If she kisses him, I'm going to out him.

I should be writing a paper, but this people watching thing is much more interesting.

lento

2009-02-19T23:41:00.000-08:00

Si quieres un poco de mi
Me deberias esperar
Y caminar a paso lento
Muy lento
Y poco a poco olvidar
El tiempo y su velocidad
Frenar el ritmo, ir muy lento
Solo dame tiempo para darte
Todo lo que tengo

Musings of the Past Week

2009-02-19T23:22:00.000-08:00

Stink'n germs set in earlier this week and wanted to take me down, but instead I freaked them out by working out like a crazy women and baking them in the sauna. That'll show em. And We've come to the agreement, that if they settle down, I won't kick them in ass anymore with packets of emergen-c.
Jobs are nice things to have, so appreciate what's in front of you. You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes , you just might find, you get what you need. --thanks rolling stones hopefully it all will makes sense soon.
The sun in the Northwest makes a huge difference. I wore shorts today, that's right folks, in February. So things aren't looking so bad
Sure I'll miss my normalcy at work and the freak'n awesome flexibility, but look what I'm gaining...interesting people of all ages asking me all sorts of questions and lesbians who like to frequent the library branches. I'll at least try it.
Someone spotted a crocus today and it was yellow. All I have to say is "We've turned the corner and I'm excited!"
Conversations with friends are amazing! It doesn't matter if it's over Nachos and Cantaloupe in my Kitchen or Not the tastiest crepes and a game of connect four. It's all good.
What I'm looking forward to this weekend: birthday parties, countly line dancing lessons, and maybe a blind date?

Life sure can be fun and interesting. So just live your life. eheheheheheh (that was my nod to Rhianna, who this week has chosen to live her life with a girl beater of a boyfriend *sigh*)

Let's wrap this up. Misc.

2009-02-18T10:22:00.000-08:00

17. I want another baby, sooner than later.

18. My favorite meal is soup and grilled cheese in the winter and sweet corn on the cob and roasted vegetables in the summer.

19. I was suppose to be an identical twin, wouldn't that have been a hoot!

20. I had a stalker ex boyfriend in high school and it went on for over a year.

21. I had a crush on my brother's girlfriend in high school, we just reconnected after many years and turns out she is a lesbian. That's kind of funny.

22. A dry sauna is my sanctuary and I stay in them way longer than I probably should.

23. I love love flying and one of my dreams is to fly a plane and be pilot.

24. I was the first person told by 4 of my friends that they were pregnant, all teenagers.

25. I love gardening and every year I hope to have an English cottage garden.

More 25 Things: Relationships and me

2009-02-16T23:10:00.000-08:00

1. I'm pretty sure I'm not into one night stands
2. I admire honesty and truthfulness, so I'll do my best to read cues, but I'm not a mind reader. so best to speak up.
3. I haven't received a love or friendship letter in a long time and I miss the art of letters as a form of communication. Want to be pen pals?
4. I need someone who can balance my unplanned/spontaneous/impulsive nature. And remind me to relax and to enjoy the present moments.
5. My flirting is pretty obvious, at least to me.
6. I love hand holding and rarely get to do it.

Sarcasm

2009-02-16T22:06:00.000-08:00

is a form of ironic speech or writing which is bitter or cutting, being intended to taunt its target. Also referred to as joking about something.

Now that I see it in front of me, I no longer want anything to do with it.

2009-02-09T23:29:00.000-08:00

so what are you waiting for?

2009-02-09T13:02:00.001-08:00

Everything changing

2009-02-08T22:08:00.000-08:00

This last month my life has changed, topsy turvy, for better or worse. Sometimes, I cry alone in my car or in the shower. I tear up at anything emotional mostly because everything is emotional. I see the future play out in so many ways. And I can't believe that I am a fighter and a coward balled up inside this body. He cries, I cry. He retreats, I retreat. He acts normal, I'm normal.

Over the weekend, we've discussed the various options and realities. We are separated but united to parent our children. We will stay in the house until I and the kids finish school. He will move out in June to an apartment downtown. I will work more. We will be okay, but this part is the hard part.

10 of 25

2009-02-08T21:36:00.000-08:00

Body

6. when i was five i did a back flip in a YMCA pool and cracked my head open. It required stitches. I still have the scar smack dab on the top of my head.

7. because of my eye color (i think) i get stopped quite a bit and asked my ethnicity. my favorite was when two girls bet each other in the bar what my answer would be. neither won.

8. I dislocated my left pinky when i was climbing stairs in college, i tripped and tried to catch myself. instead i heard a crunch and looked down and saw my picky pointing the wrong way.

9. I can't sing but I really wish I could.

10. I spend at least 10 minutes a night flossing my teeth. I'm a bit compulsive about it.

5 of 25

2009-02-02T23:13:00.000-08:00

it's so intersting to read what people post about themselves that gives you tiny insights into the whole picture of who they might be. so i thought i'd start with 5 and work my way to 25 tidbits, if there is even that many i can come up with. so here goes...

Food

1. Must haves in my fridge are limes, avocados, and tomato's.

2. Though I enjoy other beverages from time to time, good ol' h20 is by far my favorite.

3. I crave mango's with lime and salt for one week every month. and I always eat them.

4. I probably could live on Reese's butter cups alone (the holiday versions are my favorite...hearts, trees, eggs)

5. I'm very adventurous with food, but only if someone else is there with me, either to be support or feed it to me.

the beauty in friends

2009-02-02T22:52:00.000-08:00

sometimes it takes some else to make me realize all the good things in my life. my therapist made me put it all in perspective this morning. the friends that are around me now, are the people that most likely will be there in the future, because they have seen the authentic me and they like that person. and they probably want to know more about that person.

so thank you for the delicious food, short but beautiful hike, the thoughtful messages, the dog walking, the insane letters, the emotional music, the late night hummus, the bird watching, the hand holding and so much more that I am given every day by you wonderful people. i am overwhelmed with peoples wonderfulness, but mostly i'm just grateful.

There are different kinds of families

2009-02-01T19:17:00.000-08:00

tonight, i was driving home with my daughter safely tucked in the back of the car. we had had a long day and she was a bit drowsy but still talkative. and in the middle of her jabbering and me jabbering back with her, she said "there are different kinds of families." I was caught off guard a little and I asked her "what do you mean?" and her reply was smart, thoughtful and music to my ears. she said " sometimes there are two mommies with kids and sometimes there are two daddies with kids and it's okay because they love each other" HOLY S**T. My daughter gets it. She will be okay and because of her, I will be okay. She just wants love and needs love and as her parent I will give it to her always.

Children are insightful and honest and I love mine deeply.

drama and women

2009-01-26T21:52:00.000-08:00

i don't think you can have one without the other. and i am totally okay with it all. i love women for their kindness and cattiness all wrapped into one. i love that even though they all want to be different and not be that person (drama queen) they are all ruled by their emotions and it makes them dramatic but beautiful. and i'm rather glad to be one.

Agh, the flirtation!!!

2009-01-22T14:00:00.001-08:00

Is there one person in your life that is your person to flirt with. You can dish it out and they dish it right back? The electricity is buzzing every time you see each other and if it were the right place and time it would be on, but you stay strong because really the flirting is all you need. Tell me everyone has somebody like this.

I spent last night with my beautiful flirt and it had been awhile since I had seen her last, but seeing her again last was outstanding. Because the energy between the two of us will last hours, days, weeks... Agh, the flirtation.

Yo Quiero a Mi Pais!

2009-01-22T13:57:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite artist/illustrators drew this. Yuyi Morales.

Hiking in the City

2009-01-20T23:00:00.001-08:00

Last Friday I was invited on an in-the-city hike. It was gorgeous outside and it was Friday and well, why the heck not? So at 12 in the afternoon I headed over with my two side kicks and my trusty dog Nigel to meet up with my friend.

Boy O' Boy was I in for a pleasant surprise. Deborah took us to Reed Lake or Lake Reed (I forget) smack in the middle of Portland on the campus of a small private college. Now, if you know me at all, then you know that I'm not very enthusiastic about wilderness. I love the outdoors, but find the idea of planning outdoor natural activities very daunting. So to have a friend who will plan it all and just point the way is a God send. This way I can just concentrate on the wonderfulness of it all and not at all on my shortcomings of planning around nature.

It was perfect, there was water and ducks (the kind that dive in and the kind that bob) and foot prints in the sand and teeth marks on tree trunks, islands with muck, dog leach complications and birds of all kinds that sang for us. It was exercise, companionship and educational all in one. I don't think you can have a better outing than that. A breath of fresh air literally. It was wonderful to feel secluded but realize you are only minutes away from everything you love. But in my case everything I love was right there with me, my kids, my friend, my dog, my life and pure peace and simplicity. This will definitely be a place I will go back to time and time again and cherish.

Golden Girls

2009-01-19T09:30:00.001-08:00

You know it's going to be a great day when you are still in bed at 9:30 in the morning watching the MLK Golden Girls marathon on lifetime. Now here where some self introspection happens...I'm good with being alone. And after John and I part ways, I will be more than happy to be alone with my kiddos and the pooch and the chickens (so not truly alone) And hopefully I will find a partner to share my life with, but if not I want to be part of a Golden Girls type home. Sure it will be way later in life, but what would be better than living in a 1980's style sitcom community of women? I call Sophia. I want to be the wise cracking feisty one. Living with your three best friends possibly one of them being your partner and always being there for you. Now that's what I'm talking about. That seems like a wonderful way to grow older, being with people who accept you and love you. I can see myself living like that.

A small tidbit about me...I can sit here for the whole day and watch Golden Girl's. One of my top five favorite shows of all time. I don't even need to eat. Just me and the girls. And I'm pretty sure they are all sleeping with one another. :)

It's going to be a good day.

About to walk the plank

2009-01-15T12:06:00.000-08:00

Oh help! I made an appointment with a couple's counselor. Today at 1pm I will have to be honest with my husband and more importantly, me. I haven't decided what exactly I want to say, but I've run through quite a few scenarios. Bottom line is that I don't want to lie and I don't want to hide and I don't want to back down. This has gone on too long and it weighs too heavily on my everyday. Separation, hopefully will come from this, but the nervousness in my stomach is gut wrenching and who knows what I will say. I HATE THIS! But on a positive note, I much rather be living these emotions than being emotionless and just going through life with no feelings.

I'm praying for our relationship.

inching

2009-01-13T12:56:00.000-08:00

The little worm inched its way up with tiny undulating movements that would eventually have a great effect. Dark moist dirt blinded the worm and although it could not see its path ahead it knew that it had to keep pushing. It would have lead to something. The worm had been going through the motions for so long and at times had grown tired, but something deep inside would not let the worm quit. With fortitude and a willing spirit the journey began to feel simpler and clearer. The dirt was becoming unearthed and light was streaming through microscopic pinholes. The worm could feel its warmth and its skin could sense the earth’s breath. It was on the verge of a new way of living, there was no fear or anxiety there was excitement and joy. This is what it had been working so hard for; this is exactly where it needed to be. The feelings, the moving, the living and the knowing were the reasons for where it was now and where it had been. It was all part of this journey. The small worm looked up and now knew where it was going and couldn’t wait to be part of that life.

The simple things

2009-01-12T23:02:00.000-08:00

walking and discovering beautiful new things

5 dollar lunches with friends

celebrating someone else

makes my life bearable and rich

Travelodge Seattle

2009-01-10T10:40:00.000-08:00

4 stars as far as motels go.

excellent service

promptly assisted

heated room

pleasantly surprised with what was found

water pressure good

clean

great entertainment (I Love Lucy marathon in the lobby)

why didn't it get 5 stars?

continental breakfast offered was neither continental nor breakfast

check out time is a bit early for those of us stayed out late the night before

Birthday Wishes

2009-01-10T10:36:00.000-08:00

I vow to myself that this year my life will be filled with joy. I will have joy in the present moment and have hope for my future. What will come is inevitable, but the not knowing is what excites me. It's good to be alive.

Near Death Experience by Multi Vitamin

2009-01-06T22:39:00.000-08:00

My hair has had a rough year, so I've decided that 2009 would be the year of my hair. So I busted out the One A Days Multi vitamin. This is day 3 of taking the pills before bedtime. So far so good, but tonight I nearly died. I'm sure I saw the light, the light may have been there the whole time, but I was blinded.
Have you seen these huge things? They are at least half and inch and my throat is roughly the same size. So trying to throw those suckers back with a little water is just plain dangerous. I had to do my own Heimlich maneuver (not easy) and thank goodness, I got it down. I was a good 45 seconds without air. I'm so glad I made it though all of it alive.

Tuesday

2009-01-06T22:19:00.001-08:00

Hidden or Superhero?

Some girls do.

to all the girls I love

2009-01-06T12:36:00.000-08:00

and my brother...the previous post was more of an artisic piece. Yes I feel that way many minutes of the day, but for the other half of my thoughts I'm living in beauty and simplicity and loving it.

Thanks for caring.

swim

2009-01-05T16:39:00.001-08:00

I died three days ago of a broken heart. I drowned in pure pain and guilt. I didn't know it would hurt so much. I threw myself into the deep darkness and let the grief take over. The waves kept coming and I could no longer keep my head up. Slowly I could see the light reflections above me dimming. The cold water enveloped me and began to feel warm and I was exhausted of the fight, so I let it all go.

wait.
did you hear that?
it sounds like someone is saying swim?
keep swimming diana, please, for me?

The Joy of Music

2008-12-30T23:12:00.000-08:00

What a beautiful gift for to be given. Today my dear friend did just that for me. She invited me to join in the merriment of music and singing at her friend's house. I really haven't been part of anything musical with the exception of radio sing alongs and familiar church hymns. I don't play an instrument and I can't hold a tune, but I love music more than almost all other things. It's my release in every way and watching friends/musicians come together and be so happy inspired me and just plainly made me so happy. Just a couple hours of musical love will keep a smile on my face for weeks. I'm sure I'll dream about it. It made me realize even more what I want in life. I want to be with people who love to live life and relish in the simple things. A moment, a glance, a walk or a song...I want to live those moments again and again. Thank you, Deborah.

Birds O' Birds

2008-12-22T04:07:00.000-08:00

I've been keeping the hummingbird family that lives with us very happy this week. We have to keep their food thawed out and rotate the feeder in and out to accomplish this. They reward us, by coming to the window and letting us watch them in awe. There are 2 of them, maybe three. A small fat one with a read throat and emerald green wings and there is a taller grayish thinner one that is a bit shy. I snapped a few photos of them today.

Perfect Storm

2008-12-22T03:36:00.000-08:00

It's 3am and all is well. I'm sitting in bed, surprisingly awake.
I spent too much time outside yesterday in the snow to want to get up right now and venture outside. Even though the snow is illuminating and silver light creates the perfect ambiance for a quiet adventure walk, I choose to be the sentential and stay in bed watching through my window. My bed has become my bulwark and I am too jaded to fight my tired body.

I stole a moment to myself yesterday and went outside around dusk. I plopped myself down in the snow on my back and watched the flakes fall on my face. Absolute brilliance, I was a child and an adult meshed together in the moment. And at that moment I realized that what I'm going through right now in my life and the world around me is the perfect storm. I never thought in a million years I'd be right here, right now doing this dance, fighting this fight, living this life. I'm at this amazing place as hard as it is and it's a culmination of all my emotions, good and bad. I am lucky to be here and this dance, this fight, will lead me to where I need to be.

There is beauty in the perfect storm, I just have to get through it.

Arctic Blast

2008-12-21T08:22:00.000-08:00

So maybe it wasn't a great idea to drive to Beaverton Friday night knowing about the impending weather. But when all you want to do is get out of the house and the weather wasn't bad right then, it seemed like an okay thing to do. And at this point with everything going on in my life being friends is kind of important.

After an attempt to play monopoly, listen to festive music, and watch a tear jerker of a Christmas movie I decided to make my way home at the reasonable hour of 2am. I was merrily on my way when I realized that I had a flat tire. Deary me, it was the worst possibility. It was freezing (literally) and I was on completely out of my comfort zone.

Luckily, my lovely friend was very accommodating and I spent a anxious night on a very firm but comfortable couch with a big chocolate lab sharing the space with me. After 4 1/2 solid hours of sleep, I woke up to beautiful white light (no I wasn't in heaven), but the "Arctic blast" that was predicted was beginning to fall and everything was covered in fresh powdery snow. Granted it was beautiful to watch and the air was crisp and smelled wonderful but when you know that you have change a flat tire, you aren't so very excited about it.

To make a long story short, after various attempts in the snow to change a flat tire with no help from any passer bys, my friend and I did it. We changed a flat tire. It only took 5 hours and a few frozen toes and fingers. We managed light headed, cold, hungry, sick with very bad Christmas carols being sung to keep our spirits up and we were triumphant and not only changed the tire but applied snow chains as well. We celebrated for about 2 minutes before I to realize that I needed to drive home in the "Arctic blast" which made me very nervous.

Luckily just in time our savior, the pizza man, rang the doorbell. This gave us a chance to sit, get warm and gobble down 3 slices of pizza in a very short amount of time. I felt renewed and comforted by the food in my belly. My friend was comforting and stayed light hearted. I could now see and think clearly and prepared myself for the icy drive home.

It took an hour, there was snow going all which ways. There were cars stuck all over the place along the roads and highways, but I was able to make it, going 2o miles an hour, back to the eastside. My adventure on the westside was over and I was safe thanks to the valiant efforts of yours truly and my dear friend, Audrey.

I'm so glad to have wonderful friends, because I wouldn't be able to face these challenges by myself. And as I climbed into bed to warm myself, my body began to shake, exhausted and relieved at the same time to be home and safe. It was good to be home even if my home is a little crazy right now. I'm grateful to be alive.

tonight

2008-12-18T23:27:00.000-08:00

a fight, three snowballs
two dogs chasing in the night
laughter equals warmth

leaving for back home
said our goodbyes, see you soon
this time I'm staying

5am

2008-12-18T23:19:00.000-08:00

I woke up for about the 5th time last night and I looked outside. The world was covered in quiet white snow. I had to experience the peace first hand, so I put my rubber boots on and my coat over my pajamas and snuck outside. The freezing air was so refreshing and the silence of the snow falling was indescribable. There are not many days that you can experience that kind of calm and peace. It was just the chickens and I outside enjoying the weather, the winter and the world. I spent about 7 beautiful minutes out there before I realized my fingers were freezing and decided to go back to bed. But I've set my alarm tonight, so that hopefully I can do it all over again. Beauty is all around, I just need to take a moment to experience it.

It will get better

2008-12-17T22:37:00.000-08:00

I don't really have anything to write, except I know it will get better. This is the hard part and it will be for awhile, but I can see a bit of light and I'm going to walk toward that. With support I will get there and so will everyone else that has the will to work for what they want.